In Sunshine or in Shadow

[i]Recently I sat down and interviewed LOL. The following is a transcript of our conversation....[/i]


[b]IR: Hi LOL!![/b]
LOL: Hi irish...lol.

[b]IR: Seriously, how often are you really laughing out loud when someone LOL's?[/b]
LOL: Rarely ever....lol

[b]IR: So you are basically full of shit.[/b]
LOL: LOL...yep.

[b]IR: What's the difference between a lol and a LOL?[/b]
LOL: One has capital letters and the other means "yes I like to drop the soap."

[b]IR: LOL!! Good one![/b]
LOL: You didn't really laugh at that, did you?

[b]IR: lol...nope.[/b]
LOL: lol...good because it really was a stupid joke.

[b]IR: Do you think society has become so far out of touch that we rely on words like LOL to communicate a false sense of reality?[/b]
LOL: What the fuck did that mean? This is what I heard you say "blah blah blah, blah, blah blahhhhhh"

[b]IR: Ok douchebag back off.[/b]
LOL: lol. I am in the dictionary you know.

[b]IR: Yes, and that is sad. Are you related to ROFL and LMAO?[/b]
LOL: Yes, ROFL is a third cousin of mine, and LMAO is my great Uncle. I hate both of them.

[b]IR: Why? lol.[/b]
LOL: Because...I swear to fucking god no one EVER rolls on the floor laughing their fucking ass fucking off. How stupid can you be?

[b]IR: ROFL!!![/b]
LOL: See, now you are just chastizing me.

[b]IR: lol...yep. So what's next for you?[/b]
LOL: Well, tonight I am due in teen chat on yahoo where I will make an appearance once every ten words. Then I will be in 60+ chat, where one old man will try to use LOL and confuse the fuck out of every geriatric in the chatroom. Tomorrow I will be on a porn site LOL'ing every male who tries to say he has a ten inch weiner.

[b]IR: Mine is 1.34 decimeters. I measure in metric because it sounds bigger.[/b]
LOL: lol.

[b]IR: Did you laugh at that, really?[/b]
LOL: Yeah, that time I did tiny tim.

[i]Recently I sat down with John Doe and conducted an interview. The following is a transcript of our conversation...[/i]


[b]IR: Welcome John Doe!![/b]
JD: Hi irish, thank you for having me.

[b]IR: John, are you related to Jane Doe or is it just happenstance that you have the same last name?[/b]
JD: Jane got her name when she was adpoted by a large pack of deer and raised in the wilderness.

[b]IR: WOW! That is really cool! Really?[/b]
JD: No stupid, she is my sister...what a goof!

[b]IR: Oh ok...you got me there John Doe! John, let me ask you this. You are basically the unknown male in America...how does that feel?[/b]
JD: Well, it feels weird....you know being the guy no one really knows or can identify with. It can be really lonely.

[b]IR: You take many forms--I mean you can be a dead body...[/b]
JD: I like being a dead body...that's fun...well, until the autopsy.

[b]IR: When you go to parties and wear the "Hello my name is John Doe" sticker, do people laugh and think you are being a wise ass?[/b]
JD: LOL...yeah that happens a lot. When I show them my drivers license they about crap their drawers.

[b]IR: Where did the name "Doe" come from? It's a little lame don't you think?[/b]
JD: Are you making fun of my family name, butthole?

[b]IR: Ok, sorry. John, tell me this...have you ever started out as John Doe and then later ended up with your old name?[/b]
JD: Oh yes! Once I got amnesia and took a bus to California and was just roaming the streets. I got picked up by the cops and they called me John Doe. A few months later I got my memory back and found out my name was really Melvin Smilovitz from Boca Raton, Florida. What a fucking bummer that was. I had to start eating Mahtzoh ball soup again and playing canasta at the Shady Pines retirement home with my wife Sheila.

[b]IR: Ouch. Do you watch television? If so, what are some of your favorite shows[/b]?
JD: I love cold case, and CSI. My favorite show though is The Price is Right. Bob Barker is my hero.

[b]IR: Ok, now that is fucking retarded dude.[/b]
JD: BOB BARKER IS AN AMERICAN ICON ASSWIPE!

[b]IR: Yeah......yeah. So, John...who is better at the game Concentration...you or Jane?[/b]
JD: That's real funny fucktard. You know damn well neither of us can remember what we just saw or identify objects. That was a low blow.

[b]IR: lol...sorry John Doe. I couldn't help it....it was like handing a color blind person a lemon starburst when they asked for a cherry.[/b]
JD: You are going to hell, I hope you know that.

[b]IR: LOL....already have the ticket purchased, bigboy.[/b]
JD: I hope they stuck you in coach.

[b]IR: Oh, before we go...do you know Tom, Dick and Harry? It seems like every one of them is the same.[/b]
JD: I know Tom and Harry from grade school and I am pretty sure I just met the Dick today during this interview!

[b]IR: wow...you are bitter John Doe.[/b]
JD: Sorry irish...gotta run...I just got a call...I guess some dude bumped his head and can't remember his name. Looks like it's John Doe time. The only thing that sucks is, he also forgot how to have sex...this is going to suck...

The word of the day for Friday is:

[b]WOW.[/b]

[i]Recently I sat down with plastic wrap and conducted an interview. The following is a transcript of our discussion...[/i]


[b]IR: Hi, plastic wrap!![/b]
PW: Hello irish, man this is weird!

[b]IR: First off, I have hated you for years and I will tell you why. I make a great dinner and then need to wrap it up or cover it with you and I toil like mad to get you unstuck, I cut my hand on the metal teeth and then you get all bunched up and just piss me off. It really irritates me to no end.[/b]
PW: Is there a question in that rant, because I piss everyone off. That's what I do. I piss people off.

[b]IR: Do you enjoy being so difficult to work with?[/b]
PW: Do you enjoy being so difficult to work with?

[b]IR: Stop copying me fucker![/b]
PW: Stop copying me fucker!

[b]IR: GOD!!! You suck even when I am not trying to use you![/b]
PW: I remember one Thanksgiving when I almost made your grandmother cry I was so difficult. She tried to cover the leftover jello and when she pulled a sheet of me out I just started bunching up. She tried another sheet of plastic wrap and I did the same thing. She called me "bitch" that night.

[b]IR: My grandmother never cussed one time her whole life, butthole![/b]
PW: Dude, I could make the Pope cuss. Get over it.

[b]IR: Why shouldn't I replace you with aluminum foil?[/b]
PW: Because. Aluminum foil is retarded.

[b]IR: How so?[/b]
PW: It's awful feminine, irish. You really should stop using feminine wraps to cover your food.

[b]IR: HOW IS FOIL FEMININE? HOW!!! HOW????[/b]
PW: LOL....see I did it again.

[b]IR: F*** F*** F***!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]
PW: Remember that chicken you made last night and then wrapped up with me?

[b]IR: Yeah, what about it?[/b]
PW: Two words: Freezer burn.

[b]IR: I didn't freeze leftover chicken dumbass. You don't freeze cooked chicken, especially in plastic wrap.[/b]
PW: Check your freezer.

[b]IR: GODDAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!![/b]
PW: Irish, please refrain from using the Lord's name in vain.

[b]IR: I am going to use you in vain in a second.[/b]
PW: You mean like you did that one time when you got all kinky with....

[b]IR: SHUT UP NOW![/b]
PW: LOL.

[b]IR: My fucking word you are annoying. The ONLY time I ever got a kick out of you was when I put a sheet of you over the toilet bowl and my brother went to take a leak and got it all over the place. That was a great April Fool's Joke.[/b]
PW: Yeah, for you. Not for me. Why do you think I have been so mean to you all these years? How would you like it if someone peed all over you?

[b]IR: Wow dude...I am really sorry. I guess I never considered that you have real feelings. I am (starts to cry) I am really sorry plastic wrap. Can we be friends?[/b]
PW: Well, I suppose I can forgive you....IF you get rid of all your aluminum foil.

[b]IR: *sighs* Ok plastic wrap. It's a deal. I will throw it away right now. BRB.[/b]
PW: (laughing to himself)

[b]IR: OK....I am back....it's all gone.[/b]
PW: Sucker!!!!!!!!!

[b]IR: MOTHER F******!!!!!!!!!!!!![/b]
PW: LOL....reap the whirlwind irish!!! hahaha.

[i]Recently, I sat down and had a conversation with the obvious. The following is a transcript of our talk....[/i]


[b]IR: Welcome, The obvious![/b]
TO: Thank you irish, you are interviewing me.

[b]IR: Um, isn't that....oh yeah....anyway, how are you?[/b]
TO: I am wearing jeans and an ACDC t-shirt and I am telling you exactly what you should already know. How are you?

[b]IR: Good thanks. What did you think of those storms we had last night?[/b]
TO: Well, the rain really made things wet, and when the lightning struck, the sky lit up. The heavy wind blew the branches around and my car had water on it in the morning.

[b]IR: I can see this interview is going to suck hogballs.[/b]
TO: Sucking hogballs is a gross exaggeration irish. I don't think you would enjoy getting on your knees and sucking the balls of a hog.

[b]IR: Well duh.[/b]
TO: Yeah I get that a lot.

[b]IR: Do you ever think for yourself or do you always just state the obvious?[/b]
TO: Sometimes I think for myself and when I do they are original thoughts.

[b]IR: Seriously, you are fucking annoying.[/b]
TO: You appear pissed off to some degree.

IR: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...
TO: You appear to be saying the F word.

[b]IR: Ok...shut up. I am asking one more question and then I am going to go shoot myself.[/b]
TO: If you shoot yourself you risk serious injury and maybe death.

[b]IR: Sphincter say what?[/b]
TO: what?

[b]IR: HAHAHAHA!! Take that dumbass![/b]
TO: It appears I have been duped.

[b]IR: Yes, you have The Obvious, yes you have.[/b]

[i]Recently, I had a conversation with the Indian Ocean. The following is a transcript of our conversation....[/i]

[b]IR: Hi, Indian Ocean![/b]
IO: Hi irish...great to be here.

[b]IR: You are the black sheep of the world's major oceans. Does that piss you off?[/b]
IO: Who says? I could kick the Arctic Oceans ass anyday. I am not a big fan of the Arctic Ocean.

[b]IR: How come?[/b]
IO: I like sincerity. The Arctic Ocean is just so cold....

[b]IR: That joke was fucking awful.[/b]
IO: Kiss my ass.

[b]IR: Fair enough. Do you have a relationship with the Atlantic or Pacific Oceans?[/b]
IO: No not really. We pretty much keep to ourselves. I will say this though, the Caspian Sea could suck a golf ball through a garden hose if you know what I mean.

[b]IR: You have a dirty mind, Indian Ocean.[/b]
IO: Well irish, I am a dirty ocean.

[b]IR: Have you recovered from the awful Tsunami's?[/b]
IO: Yeah pretty much, although the earth shifted so much I have this huge ass crack on my ocean floor now. I feel like I have a wedgie all the time.

[b]IR: (note to self, never interview an ocean again.)[/b]
IO: I saw that fucker.

[b]IR: I was thinking the other day that it would be cool to get about 1 million people together for a huge game of Marco Polo in the Indian Ocean one day.[/b]
IO: Yeah that would be fun...1 million people pissing in me and flopping around yelling Marco! Polo! for hours. Yeah, real fun there irish.

[b]IR: It was just a thought. And I am sure most people would hold it until the game is over.[/b]
IO: You don't when you swim.

[b]IR: Yeah, good point.[/b]
IO: I am not a toilet irish. When you piss in me, you disrupt the ecological balance of nature.

[b]IR: Whatever dude. Well Indian Ocean, it's been fun talking to you. I still think you are the fourth best ocean, but still it was fun.[/b]
IO: I may be the fourth best ocean, but keep this in mind....at least I am not sitting at home interviewing me.

[b]IR: excellent point....[/b]

[b]The following items have been Atkins approved. Please add them to your list:[/b]


1. felt
2. peach pits
3. biodegradeable father's day cards
4. autographed pictures of Sonny Bono
5. Colt 45 bottles (rinsed out)
6. Hotel soaps
7. fingernail clippings
8. chalk (white and yellow)
9. Deer Crossing signs
10. Hummus flavored gum.

[b]Here is a list of my top 5 Barry Manilow songs, in order:[/b]



1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

[b]The following are my latest Ocean Rankings for your reading pleasure....[/b]


1. Atlantic: I like tracking the hurricanes and the Atlantic has good Cod.

2. Arctic: I like an ocean that would kill you in seconds if you jumped in.

3. Pacific: Didn't they film Hawaii 5-O on the Pacific Ocean? If so, cool!

4. Indian: Tsunami's.....yuck.

Ok, here are my thoughts on Michael Jackson and the trial......


I don't give a rats ass.

Now that we have that established, on to better things. Today we had yet another hot and muggy afternoon, reminiscent of typical late summer days here. If this is how the weather is going to be, it will mean a long grumpy summer for this guy.

[b]And now a few thoughts:[/b]

1. Billlyryan's blog is the best written around. Ok, that sentence was ill-crafted. It's damn good. You should all read it.

2. I ate a Mr. Goodbar today. And, well...it was good.

3. If Mr. Peanut and the Jolly Green Giant got into a fight, I think Mr. Peanut would get his ass kicked.

4. I think Jelly donuts are disgusting.

[b]And finally.........[/b]

I have a 5 litre box of merlot in my refridgerator. How cool is that? I mean really.......

Ah the south.....what a wonderful place.....




NEWPORT, Tennessee (AP) -- Law enforcement agents raided an illegal cockfight and arrested 144 people attending what one official said may have been one of the nation's largest such gatherings.

Several SWAT teams, helicopters and dozens of state troopers participated in the raid Saturday on the sprawling Del Rio Cockfight Pit. They seized about $40,000 in cash and killed more than 300 roosters.

"Reputedly, this was the largest cockfight in the United States," said District Attorney Al Schmutzer Jr. "It was becoming open and notorious, and you just can't stand back and let something operate like that in the community."

The 144 were each charged with being a spectator to cockfighting, a misdemeanor in Tennessee. If convicted, they face up to 11 months and 29 days in jail and a $2,500 fine.

John Goodwin, of the Humane Society of the United States, who took part in the raid, said it served notice on those conducting such illegal operations. "I wouldn't want to be a cockfighter in East Tennessee right now," he said.

David Webb, a gamecock owner from Rhea County, said he lost more than 20 chickens valued at $150 each during the raid. "I've been around this stuff all my life. Everything I've ever known is a chicken fight," he said.

Newport, adjacent to the Great Smoky Mountains, is 42 miles east of Knoxville.

[b]"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible."[/b]

- Anonymous

I was at the grocery store this afternoon and when I got to the check out counter I saw that there was an old woman ringing up the groceries. She had to be at least 70 and she was going really slow. The people in front of me were being kind of rude, making those ridiculous "sigh" noises people make when they feel the world is not going as fast as it should be for them. The lady was visibly upset at this as she was going as fast as she could.

Then it was my turn.

I looked at her name tag and I said "Hi there Rona". She stopped and looked up at me and smiled. She asked me how I was and I said things were going just fine. I smiled at her, to let her know that for at least the next 5 minutes, she wouldn't have anyone making those ridiculous sigh noises at her.

I had a couple of 24 packs of Coke and lemonade on the check out table and they can be rather heavy. I knew Rona wouldn't be able to lift them so when they came up for scanning, I told her to wait and I scanned them for her and placed them in my cart. I thought she was going to cry. When she finished with the check out and I paid, I looked at her and said, "Rona, I hope you have a wonderful weekend." She had a huge smile on her face and I knew that made her feel real special.

It's amazing how the smallest of effort can make the day of someone who just needs to feel like she belongs in a fast paced world that probably has left her by.

I hope that Rona has a great weekend.

Such a long week here....the weather has been ridiculous...90's and humidity up the wazoo. I hate heat and humidity. At any rate, I took a vacation day today and did all the things that needed to be done.

Looks like summer is here already. Cincinnati can get pretty damn hot. I am golfing on Saturday and Sunday so not only should I get sunburned like mad, I may just keep losing poundage :)

I really don't have much to say today....I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

[b]No Myth -(Michael Penn)

So, she says it's time she goes
but wanted to be sure I know
she hopes we can be friends
I think, yeah, I guess we can say I
but didn't think to ask her why
she blocked her eyes and drew the curtains
with knots I've got yet to untie...

what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it's no myth
maybe she's just looking for
someone to dance with

See, it was just too soon to tell
and looking for some parallel
can be an endless game
We said goodbye before hello
my secrets she will never know
and if I dig a hole to China
I'll catch the first junk to Soho

what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it's no myth
maybe she's just looking for
someone to dance with

Sometime from now you'll bow to pressure
some things in life you cannot measure by degrees
I'm between the poles and the equator
don't send no private investigator to find me please
'less he speaks Chinese
and can dance like Astaire overseas

what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it's no myth
maybe she's just looking for
someone to dance with[/b]

When I was growing up, Coca cola had an add that said "Coke Adds Life". I am not exactly sure what that means but I can tell you this--this morning I woke up groggy as can be, headache and just plain blah. When I got into work I decided to have a Coke, and now I feel much much better. Maybe Coke really does add life.

It also adds pounds. Lots of high fructose, phosphoric acid and corn syrup will do that to you.

"I swear that phosphoric acid goes straight to my hips!"

Maybe they should say "Coke Adds Life and poundage."

I like that. I think I will craft a letter to the Coca Cola company add offer them my new slogan. It's catchy!

Dear Tooth Fairy,

When I was a young boy and lost my teeth, I would place it under my pillow and you would come and give me a dollar. I would wake up and BOOM, there it was, one dollar.

Well, today I have a toothache from hell so I would like to ask you a question. If I put $500 under my pillow for you will you make the numbing pain in my tooth go away?

I think that's a fair deal since you only gave me one freaking dollar for my teeth.

Love,

irish.

Tonight is a pondering post. It is in tribute to the diversity of T Blog and it's many bloggers who come here daily for a dose of whatever it is they are looking for.

You may be spiritual and family oriented. I am as well.

You may be jaded and hurting deep inside and thinking of hurting yourself.

You may be poetic and posting a poem you created. Keep it and be proud. I like to write poetry too.

You may be argumentative and sometimes like to stir the pot. I think we all do.

You may left brained. You may dream in color.

I like Irish pubs and grapeleaves and my favorite season is the fall.

You make like to make others cry. I like to make people laugh and most of the time I do just that. And many of you make me laugh too. It's give and take.

You may be liberal or conservative. You write the views that best represent you.

I like to cuss sometimes. I voted for Al Gore once.

Blogging is special. And we have many different syles here. I am glad we do. My hope is despite the humor and crudeness of my posts, we can have a day again when we didn't have drug and porn blogs in every direction. There is a place for that...but not here. My hope in posting as the T Blog server is two fold. For those that read me often, I like to make you laugh. First and foremost, I want people to take notice.

I want us to take back our site. Our site, with its many different views and opinions and colors and shades. We did not create the site, but we came and we blogged. We are the hippies on Max Yasgur's farm. He provided the land, they provided the music.

So, T Blog server will live on...to get a few laughs, but mostly--to prove a point. It has become ridiculous.

Tonight I am playing poker with the guys which should be tons of fun! I am sure there will be a wife or two there who sit in on the game and win which will piss us guys off because we take it so seriously. I have a 4 pack of Guinness and some Harp and I am making half and half's all night long.

(In Ireland they are called Half and Half's and they do NOT use Bass Ale.)

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

***JENN JR KNOWS WHAT SMITHWYCK'S IS!! She wins person of the week for that!!

[b]

Dear Irish,

I see you are now number one on the hot blogs list. How the hell did you manage that? I see no porn, no drugs, no ambulance chaser material. This blog really could use a little sin don't you think?

Trust me dude, your time in the top slot is going to be short lived. People here go for hot MILFS, cialis and all the percocet you can eat! All you do is interview objects and dead people.

Oh by the way--last night I was SO SLOW!! I pissed everyone off again! HAHAHAHAHA!

Love always,
TBlog server[/b]

The list of people who disappoint me continues to grow bigger by the day. Today has been a real winner. It's coming at me in all directions. It's time to put my life back into "safe" mode--like you do with a computer when you want to prevent a computer virus from crashing your computer.

On a lighter note, I had a golf lesson at lunch today and think I may have corrected a flaw in my swing. For those of you who know golf, that means less bogies :) It felt good today hitting the balls at lunch. A great stress reliever.

"safe" mode.....starting right......now.

oh...another thing--never drink a sugar free red bull and a frappachino back to back. No matter how tired you are.

[b]Dear Irish,

Once again it was good to hear from you. I am sorry it took so long for me to return your letter, but I was visiting blingdaddy's blog while tripping on a variety of free drugs and well, I got distracted.

Irish dude...come on in the water is fucking warm!! Join me on the dark side of T blog. I am your Father!! Join me in a world of MILF's, sexy teens who like to screw (above 18), women who like to do it all day long and of course, an all-u-can-eat drug buffet!

Isn't T blog grand? All I can say is, before all of this I was this reliable server that rarely crashed. People liked me but never said my name or asked me out or invited me to go to parties. Now that I am a slow-ass, porn crazed, drug addict people talk about me non-stop!

I hope we can talk again soon. Say, did you get the free Cialis I sent you? I know you don't need it, but save it for a rainy day (wink).

Always,

T Blog Server[/b]