In Sunshine or in Shadow

[b]CBS ANNOUNCES CSI EXPANSION FOR FALL SEASON; NBC COUNTERS.[/b]


CBS announced today that they will be adding three new CSI's to their fall schedule. CSI: South Central LA, CSI: El Paso, and CSI: Timbuktu, will all be part of the new season. "We are so excited to jam more CSI down the throats of the American people", said one CBS TV executive. "CSI is a great show and people are watching the three we have on so far. We figured, why not add three more so people can waste even more of their precious time on earth watching essentially the same thing." CSI: El Paso will have a Tex-Mex flavor to it that viewers should love. All of the CSI team members will wear sombreros and ride donkeys.

"We went back and forth on the donkey bit for CSI: El Paso", said creative director Herb Yaltz. "I thought it would be a bad idea with all the donkeys crapping on the set, but as my co-producers quickly pointed out, donkey crap is nothing compared to what life would be like without another CSI program."

In a counter move, NBC announced it would add 2 more Law and Order shows to it's schedule, raising the total to 6. Law and Order: Pickpockets and Law and Order: Soap Droppers and the Inmates who Take Them, will appear on the NBC schedule this fall. "We are thrilled with our new shows. Americans could watch Law and Order all day and night if they wanted to...oh wait, they already do...what I meant to say is, here are 2 more Law and Order's which will allow us to make more money on DVD sets down the road and bleed our audience dry", said NBC producer Lance McMichael.

If all goes well, both networks plan to start their own cable channels, showing Law and Order and CSI 24 hours a day, seven days a week. "If they did that I would quit my job and chain myself to the couch", said Bill Glauss from South Carolina. "CSI: El Paso is exciting enough--now we can see re-runs of it too!"

[i]Recently I sat down with 42 cents and conducted an interview. The following is a transcript of our conversation...[/i]

[b]IR: Hi 42 cents!! Welcome![/b]
42: Hello irish. Thank you for rescuing me from under that seat cushion.

[b]IR: No problemo senor. Before my couch, where had you been? I am fascinated by the path that money follows. You could have been in Ronald Reagan's pocket...or Lauren Graham's!![/b]
42: Ok, calm yourself. Yeah I have been in a lot of places, but not as 42 cents. I was 31 cents in 1999, 25 cents in 1995 and once I was 3 pennies during the Great Depression.

[b]IR: I bet you were very popular then![/b]
42: Irish, I was da bomb when I was 3 cents during the great depression! The only thing that sucked was some lady spent me on a loaf of bread and some government cheese and I ended up in the backpocket of a german immigrant who farted a lot.

[b]IR: Sausage eater?[/b]
42: With onions.

[b]IR: ouch.....Ok, so right now you are a quarter, a nickle, a dime and two pennies. Are you all attached like a family, or are you hoping to be sprung loose?[/b]
42: Well to be honest and I am going out on a limb here...we have enjoyed staying in your couch. You watch an awful lot of porn. The dime especially likes your choices. Genital Hospital was a thrill a minute.

[b]IR: Thanks for that. I watch more than just porn. I like the Food network for example..[/b]
42: Yeah, we usually sleep when you watch that.

[b]IR: Have you made any friends in my couch cushions?[/b]
42: Well, last year a paper clip dropped by and we didn't get along too well. He cried every night, "Let me out of here, I want to be clipped on a piece of paper!" We just laughed and were like dude, chill out. Lint comes by a lot, but that's usually uneventful.

[b]IR: How so?[/b]
42: Lint can't talk dumbass, it's lint.

[b]IR: Oh. (Befuddled look). Well, 42 cents, I must say this has been great. Should I put you back in the seat cushions? I also have this big jar of change--you could be part of over 50 bucks!![/b]
42: Size isn't everything irish, you should know that better than anyone. (lol).

[b]IR: Or, better yet wise ass, I could drop you at the bottom of my laundry hamper. How would that be?[/b]
42: I have seen your boxer briefs. Let's go back to the couch...

[b]URANUS NAMED PLANET OF THE YEAR, EARTH A DISTANT SEVENTH.[/b]



Milky Way (AP) Uranus won planet of the year today despite being a dark, gassy place that few people ever seem to probe. Earth, the only planet in our solar system with life, could manage only a seventh place finish.

"Earth just didn't do much for us this time around", said the moon and the sun. "So, they have life, SUV's, fast food and the Coors Light twins. It just wasn't all that impressive." Uranus got 5 first place votes and won on a strong presentation of gaseous explosions and a deep sense of the unknown. Neptune was second in the balloting, but it couldn't even get anywhere near Uranus when it came to presentation.

"Venus and Mars had some strong points, and Mercury really rose to the occasion this year. But it was Uranus that just kept us coming back for more", said Orion. "You look out there and you see the twin peaks of Saturn, the curvy hills of Pluto....but one cannot seem to stop themselves from wanting a taste of Uranus."

Next year, Uranus will defend it's title having raised the bar now more than ever.

[b]"When we associate with the virtuous we form ourselves in imitation of their virtues, or at least lose, every day, something of our faults."[/b]

- Agapet

[b]PRESIDENT BUSH TO AMERICANS "GAS PRICES ARE HIGH".[/b]


Washington (AP) President Bush appeared almost stunned as he briefed the media today. "I want to tell the American people right here and right now that gas prices are high."

When asked what finally made him realize this, President Bush answered "I was watching the news and I heard Peter Jennings make a comment on the high gas prices. I turned to Laura and said, Wow. Gas Prices are really high."

President Bush went on to explain that because he is President, he probably could do something about it. "I uh, said...uh....I should probably look into this. Maybe make Alaska a big oil reserve or uh, ask Texas for some oil."

President Bush made it clear that he wants everyone to know that gas is just as expensive for him as it is for y'all. "I know it's hard. Life is hard. Gas is high and life is hard. God Bless America."

Here is the quote of the day, which I liked so much, I made it the quote of the day...

[b]"Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Class has nothing to do with money. Class never runs scared. It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It's the sure footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life."[/b]

- Ann Landers

Dear Lionel Richie,

My name is Irish and I am a blogger. I am writing today because I need you to do something for me. I need you to talk to your daughter, Nicole and tell her to make nice with Paris Hilton.

We as Americans cannot take this feud. It is ripping us apart. We need them so badly. We need The Simple Life to live on because it is such high quality television. I mean...I sit there sometimes and marvel at the ingenuity of those two. Ok I lied, I check out their asses mostly. Anyway, I need this show to live on--we all do.

Why cant Nicole just say she is sorry? Paris will not budge because she knows that Nicole is basically worthless without her. I mean to be honest, I didn't even know you had a daughter until Paris started her show. When I found out, I dusted off all my old Lionel Richie tapes and listened to songs like "Hello" and "Caribbean Queen".

Oops. Wait sorry the second song was Billy Ocean's. How is he anyway? I read in Star magazine once that the two of you hate each other because VH-1 wants you to arm wrestle on tv to see who can win the title of worst pop singer of the 1980's.

Ok I am getting off track and I need to focus. Lionel, please talk to Nicole. I don't know what friends of mine would do if they couldn't watch The Simple Life. I am writing this as much for them as I am me. Personally, a PBS documentary on slugs is more interesting, but America doesn't seem to think so.

Please help us Lionel....Please.

--irish.

Liquid Paper is one of the greatest things ever invented. We use it to correct mistakes that we have written or typed. They even have colored liquid paper in case you are using colored paper...fascinating. So many times I have looked at my bottle of liquid paper and just said "thank you". Not out loud, that would be insane, but I have thought it to myself. I have made so many written mistakes in my life.

Thomas Jefferson didn't have liquid paper when he was writing the Declaration of Independence. Imagine the pressure--you are writing a document to the most powerful country in the world telling them to fuck off and if you make a mistake, you have to start over. You are alone in a dark room lit with a candle and as you write with your quill on the parchment words that will be forever remembered, you can't make a mistake. I suppose it required him to think through every thought, every word in the most precise of manner. In the end, Thomas Jefferson was perfect.

What if life had liquid paper? A correction fluid that you could use to correct mistakes that you have made, or terrible things you have said and done. You could pull out the bottle of Life's Liquid Paper and cover it up, go back, and begin again. Wouldn't that be great? No one would be hurt, and if they were it wouldn't last long because Life's Liquid Paper would cover it up and let you re-do it.

The truth is, when we use regular liquid paper WE know we made a mistake. WE know what we wrote under the cover up of dried liquid goo. It may not appear to the reader of your document, but you know what the mistake was. I wonder what the Declaration of Independence would look like today if TJ had Liquid Paper at his disposal...

Would he have thought twice about saying "When in the course of human events..."? Would we see correction after correction? Would the document be half as good? I don't think so. Jefferson was forced to think long and hard about every move, every stroke. Liquid Paper would have hindered his masterpiece.

Life's Liquid Paper would cover up mistakes, but you still would know they were there. The question is, would you take measures to correct the mistakes, or would you cover them up and hope those who view your life will settle for the change and never hold you accountable?

We have Life's Liquid Paper, but many times we don't know it. We have phrases like "Just Kidding" or "Don't get mad but..." or "No offense". And we have the greatest cover of them all, "I'm sorry." Apologies do make us feel better and they are required and the right thing to do when you do something bad or wrong. I am not suggesting saying "sorry" isn't enough.

It is though in a sense Life's Liquid Paper. You can cover your mistakes with the phrase, but you still know deep down what you said or did. What will you do with that knowledge? Will you accept the cover up, or will you think longer and harder before you do and say something. One day you will be joking around with someone and say "just kidding", and your bottle of Life's Liquid Paper will be dry. What happens then?

Our lives are like a Declaration of Independence. We write a part of our document each day and just like Jefferson, we have no idea the effect it will have on the world around us. Jefferson didn't have liquid paper, and neither do we when it comes to living. If we took the same care in our own lives that he did when writing his masterpiece, Life's Liquid Paper would never be necessary.

I feel each mistake I make and I take steps to correct them when needed. As I continue to write the great document of my life each day, I begin to look ahead to the sentences I want included. I do not know how they will turn out, but I guarantee one thing--as I hold the quill to the parchment, I will give every thought, every word the greatest of care.

[b]The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.[/b]

- Aristotle

Monday morning thoughts.....

Sponsored by : Depends


--I am addicted to Sugar free Red Bull.

--I now put my Crest mouthwash in the shower next to my shampoo. When I get up it's the first thing I do and it's right there. Then I just spit it out reall hard and fast all over the tub and it makes the water look blue. It's really cool.
--Big Band music is awesome!
--I am restless.
--I lost 3 pounds this weekend.
--Mechanical pencils get on my nerves.
--I am packing my schedule this week and next to keep myself as busy as I can.
--I need to go grocery shopping. I love to go to the store.

[i]This entry was the result of a long conversation I had the other day with one of my dearest friends. I have known him since the first grade, which means we have been great friends for 25 years. It is probably the most personal post I will ever do.[/i]


I was walking down the hall after second period. It was spring and we were just a few days away from the week long spring break we had all been looking forward to. Our junior year had been a good one so far. I was class president and the lead in my school's musical, my six best friends and I had been inseperable all year and we had a week planned for spring break that was to top all others.

As I walked to my locker I noticed Bill was looking rather down and he had tears in his eyes. I ignored the bell for third period and went to him to see what was wrong. Bill had just found out his father had lost his long battle with cancer and had died that morning...

Bill was 16 years old and had three younger siblings who looked up to him. His life changed that day and he knew it--we all did. Losing a parent that soon in life is not easy. I couldn't begin to understand what it felt like, but I could see in his eyes, he had a long road ahead of him. Bill's life would never be the same. He would have to grow up very fast and help take care of his family. He was already the rock and I admired him for that. Now, he would have to work more hours after school to help support the family who had huge medical bills to pay off.

Over the next few years Bill would work very hard to help his family out. He was a stellar athlete but he had to give it up. He was destined for the college of his choice, but he had to settle for a local school and take a year off after high school to save money to pay for it. He missed out on so much--dances, parties, football games...all of it. In many respects, he lost a good portion of his teenage years and he knew he could never get them back.

It wasn't fair. Bill deserved a better lot in life and he deserved to dance and play sports and go to his dream school. He was a little bitter at times, but he always stayed focused. He wanted to cry out and ask why, but he never did. We spoke years later over a case of beer in my backyard one night about the experience. He said something to me I will never forget. I asked him if he had any regrets. Afterall, he was cheated in a sense. yes he stepped up when his family needed him most, but he was still cheated out of some very good years that we all love. They are years that are critical for our overall development.

"I never once looked back and thought that I lost out. Yes, it was hard but that was the hand dealt to me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and blaming the world for my lot in life and cussing out God for taking my childhood from me, I chose to make the best of a bad situation. I chose to make it even better, and I did."

When he was in college, things had subsided a bit. His mom remarried and could afford to let Bill stop working full time and transfer to his dream school. When he got there he could have let it all go. He could have spent every moment making up for the lost years. He could have partied twice as hard, played every sport he wanted to, and gone to every dance. He could have dated everyone that walked within five feet of him to make up for the years he lost. And because I know him like the back of my hand, I know he thought about it time and again. In the end Bill did what so many fail to do when faced with a similar situation.

We all lose years. It's the same stage, but a different play for each of us. For me it was age 12-15. I lost 3 grand parents, a great-grandparent and my parents got divorced--all in the span of 18 months. My life felt like one big funeral at times and it took me a few years to recover. There is a lesson to be learned in the play that we act in, called our life. We cannot change what has happened. We cannot give in to the temptation of forgetting what is important and who depends on us just because we may feel cheated out of something that others got to do. We have to be stronger, we have to use every ounce of energy and we have to make wiser decisions.

So life dealt Bill a crappy hand at age 16. That was his play. He chose to learn his part the best way he could and perform it day in and day out as well as anyone ever could. He avoided the ruts and the temptations. He never blamed anyone else, he never settled for second best because he had to, and he made sacrifices because he had to. He took the better job so he could have more time with his brothers and sisters. He took the better job because it got him to college. He took the better job because it was the best thing for him and his family. He didn't have to, but in all honesty he had to.

The stage has been set in each of our lives and we all must take a leading role with the characters that have been placed in our individual play. Some of our fellow actors will not say their lines the right way all the time, but they will try hard to get better. Others will never set their script down and never get it. They will make our role harder and they will hurt the overall play. Regardless, this play is our play and we are responsible for the dialogue.

Do what my friend Bill did. It is the best advice I can ever give anyone. Learn your role and stay true to the actors in your play that need your guidance. Do whatever it takes to make your play shine. Forget about the missed lines and failed lighting cues because they can never be changed. You can never go back and re-live a script that has already been written by the best playwrite in the world--you. Make your play something special and most of all, do whatever it takes to make it work. Stop asking why you were placed on your stage and take responsibility. Make changes in your cast when necessary but make sure they fit your play. If you do that, the applause you hear when the play is over will be deafening, and your audience will always come back for more.

I learned that lesson from my dear friend, Bill who has gone on to live the happiest of lives...

We have people claiming to eat fingers in Wendy's chili...we have other people walking the streets beating up old ladies for their purses, bombs going off, kids shooting guns at school.....


It's time to make an American Penal Colony. Build a big fucking fence around it and pretend it's Australia. All we need is a state to make our Penal Colony. I submit the following for debate:

1. Texas
2. Michigan
3. Louisiana
4. Mississippi
5. Idaho

Please vote for the state you think would make the best Penal Colony. Once I have the state, I will begin my push to buy it and explain how it will all work. Thank you. My weekend now has a purpose.

"In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him
'til he cried out in his anger and his shame
I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains..."

--"The Boxer", Simon and Garfunkel

[b]Invitation[/b]


If you are a dreamer, come in
If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,
A hope-er. a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...
If you're a pretender, come sit by the fire
For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.
Come in!
Come in!

[u]--Shel Silverstein[/u]

[i]Recently I sat down with Santa Claus and asked him a few questions. The following is a transcript of our talk...[/i]


[b]IR: Santa, I am so glad you are here.[/b]
SC: irish, you woke me up.

[b]IR: Santa, when I was 10, I asked you for a bike and instead of a bike you brought me a board game. I played the board game a few times, but I wanted that fucking bike more than life itself. Thanks.[/b]
SC: irish, you already had a bike. You didnt have a board game, and in 1980 times were tough. If I recall, you used that SAME board game to play strip monopoly with your neighbor 6 years later. So, in my estimation, you owe me fuckwad.

[b]IR: Fuckwad? Santa!! Please! Let's not get fiesty![/b]
SC: irish, everyday I hear the whining of people who don't get what they want for Christmas. I grow tired of it. If I want to say fuckwad, I damn well will. Now...what else have you got for me fuckwad?

[b]IR: Are you real? Because when I was 12 my mom said it was time to let go.[/b]
SC: Well, you fart when you sleep, and I caught you masturbating on Christmas Eve when you thought you were getting a Led Zeppelin box set. Do you believe in me now?

[b]IR: Um....yes. God this sucks...I thought my door was locked that night.[/b]
SC: Think again mofo.

[b]IR: Santa, does Mrs. Clause put out?[/b]
SC: irish, what did you want for Christmas this year?

[b]IR: Well I still want that fucking bike.[/b]
SC: Well, you aren't getting it now.

[b]IR: Santa, why did you choose red for your suit?[/b]
SC: Well that's a good question (finally). Mrs. Clause wanted me to wear pink. But I said, Momma, it will be a cold day in hell. Then she said, ok, try the red and I suggest you like it if you ever want another blowjob for the rest of your life. I chose the red.

[b]IR: Ok....this is starting to really really suck.[/b]
SC: You asked the question irish, I am just here to placate your silly blog.

[b]IR: Santa, do you like Fanta pop? Because it rhymes with your name. Fanta..........Santa.........[/b]
SC: Holy crap you are dumb.

[b]IR: Ok, let's get down to brass tacks...I want a mountain bike for Christmas and happiness for my family. Gimme both and I will be good.[/b]
SC: LOL...irish...you are already going to hell....so you can buy your own mountain bike.

[b]IR: See, that hurts. Santa, any last remarks? After what I have heard tonight, I am thinking about becoming Jewish.[/b]
SC: Once again irish I am rendered speechless. Now if you will excuse me I have to go make good with a family in Topeka, Kansas. Apparently Donner took a dump on their roof last Christmas...

The hardest thing in the world to do is to say goodbye to someone or even something that you love. It is very difficult and it tugs at your heart in ways that words cannot describe.


People say goodbye for many reasons. Sometimes you have no choice, a person you love is dying and they pass on and you are left with the memories of the times well spent. You hope that they left this world knowing that you cared for them and loved them and cherished every moment you had with them. Other times we say goodbye because it's time to go. The event is over, the week has ended and we go back to our regular lives living again in our comfortable realm, back to where things are safe and sound.

Saying goodbye means many things. It means I'll see you again soon, or I will catch you the next time I am in town, or give me call sometime and we will get together. If you are like me, you know when goodbye is goodbye and when it is just a temporary I'll see you next time.

My heart feels goodbye. I know it when it's really goodbye and when it's I'll see you again real soon. The heart is more than a muscle. It's more than an organ that makes your body tick and live. The heart is powerful force that drives here and there. It keeps us awake at night with worry, it makes us feel and it makes us strong. I am convinced that the heart has a mind of its own. The heart never really says goodbye and the heart has the best of memories. The heart breaks, but it never forgets. It never forgets the times that were great, the times that were spent feeling like nothing else existed.

There is a downfall to the heart that the heart never fully understands. The heart will always outduel the mind. The heart will always win out over your head that tells you what should be and what cannot be. The mind tries, but it never wins. The head says goodbye, but the heart never really can. We can pretend to forget, we can pretend that everything will be fine in time and that in our minds, saying goodbye was for the best. The heart though cannot do that. Deep down the heart knows how you really feel. You can wear a mask when it comes to the heart. You can try, but in the end the heart will always peel it off.

We make a decision sometimes to say goodbye because it's the right thing to do. Everything that is true to life tells us that we must say goodbye no matter how hard, no matter how devistating it seems at the time. It's hard to come to that conclusion and it's even harder to pretend it doesn't make you want things to be different.

Saying goodbye is hard. Sometimes it's the hardest thing a person can ever do. But I believe in the heart and I won't give up on the notion that the heart will go on. I believe in the heart. As long as I draw breath in this world, I will remain true to the feelings I have and I will never let anything stand in the way of what my heart feels. No matter how much much it hurts, no matter how much saying goodbye is part of life.

I would rather live my life, broken heart in hand, then to have never felt anything for anyone. No matter the price, no matter the pain...

I believe in the heart.

ASHLEY JUDD!!!


Happy Birthday Ashley :)

[image]irishred_993686158 .jpg[/image]

I guess I always figured it would end up with me posting this song...

[b]Send In the Clowns(Sondheim) [/b]

Isn't it rich, aren't we a pair
Me here at last on the ground - and you in mid-air
Send in the clowns

Isn't it bliss, don't you approve
One who keeps tearing around - and one who can't move
But where are the clowns - send in the clowns

Just when I stopped opening doors
Finally finding the one that I wanted - was yours
Making my entrance again with my usual flair
Sure of my lines - nobody there

Don't you love a farce; my fault I fear
I thought that you'd want what I want - sorry my dear
But where are the clowns - send in the clowns
Don't bother they're here

Isn't it rich, isn't it queer
Losing my timing this late in my career
But where are the clowns - send in the clowns
Well maybe next year

The fact remains that I have been here two years and it's still the best place I have found to blog. A lot has happened in my life the past few months and it all came to a head tonight. At any rate, I am going to continue to blog here, despite having said I wasn't. For those that have read me regularly, I hope you will come back from time to time.

A new chapter has begun, and I look forward to sharing it with those that care to read about it. It is good to be back.